(written in 2005. approx.)
Packing for once wasn’t a problem as one is not permitted to bring books, music, writing material, organisers or mobile phones to the 10 days Vipassanna meditation retreat in Herefordshire. Only bare necessities. I did remember though to take my ear plugs for which I was grateful later on, and decided to take my duvet too. Summer or not, I’m taking no risks. The night before a vague sense of anxiety started setting in. 10 days of nothing!
I guess it was a romantic vision of blissful leisurely break that got me to go. As the departure time grew nearer it dawned on me that getting up at 4am everyday and meditating for hours on end might be a little too rigorous to my liking and certainly not a relaxed holiday. I fought off my growing anxiety and urge to cancel and decided to rise to the challenge (while buying chocolate and biscuits to clam down my nerves).
*
Arrival Day:
I’m deliberately leaving any distraction back home before the train journey (apart from the biscuits) to prepare for the transition from civilisation to isolation. Noise, pollution and concrete slowly give way to calm fresh breeze, trees, birds and smiling faces. I’m happy and I want a house in the country.
On arrival we give our valuables for safekeeping, including any mobiles that filtered through and car keys. No escaping! We are again asked to commit for the duration of the course and explained all the rules. No stealing (as if there is anything to steal), no lying (well, that’s easy as we can’t talk), no killing (which means we are served exclusively vegetarian food), no sex (what? I want home!), and no talking. Easy.
Men and women are segregated, presumably to prevent any temptation of sexual misconduct, and we are encouraged not to look at each other. Throughout the course I’m feeling a bit of a fraud, surrounded by around 50 men I can’t even watch (well, not supposed to anyway).
*
Day 1:
Everyone looks so intense. I’m sure some of those people are on rehabilitation or sent from young offender’s institute or something. It’s one thing to be quiet, but why do they have to look so depressed? I must look like a freak with my stupid smile.
Later in bed I sense slight panic creeping in. It’s rather lonely. I dream of people chasing me with knives and keep waking up. At least I have my earplugs and not bothered by the snores from beyond the separation curtains.
*
Day 2:
It’s 4am already? Whose idea was it?!
I’m sick of focusing on my nostrils and my back aches.
The rabbits in the field don’t appear to care.
*
Day 3:
More focusing on the nose and breath. I don’t seem to get any better at this.
The food is great, simple but wholesome and tasty. I wish I had that at home every day.
I exchange smiles with the grass and leaves. They understand.
I notice myself feeling superior and smug. Or maybe it’s just a façade, covering my insecurity surrounded by men, taking me back to schooldays bullying…
*
Day 4:
Oh, we start focusing on body sensations. I know that one, easy. I’m transported by a glow of energy pulsating throughout the body. I’m very pleased with myself.
At night I dream of a big and heavy airplane failing to lift much above the ground and ending up crashing into a train, derailing and setting it on fire. Am I risking derailing the train of my life by trying to take too much on board?
*
Day 5:
Right, I think I got the idea of this meditation. I’m very proficient. Can I go home now please?
Ok ok. I give up.
I make a resolution. I’m going to make best use of this golden opportunity to gain mastery over the mind. I promise myself to practice earnestly and see it as my challenge to remain totally still for the 3 daily one hour group meditations as instructed, as well as to love everyone on the compound.
Those intimidating macho men start looking very human and vulnerable.
*
Day 6:
I’m getting good at this. I’m sure I’m better than anyone else, which I realise means I didn’t get it at all.
Walking in the little forest I surprise someone talking to himself with great passion. I think he was more scared than I, staring at him in my hooded black rain coat in the middle of the woods.
I notice a new plant pushing itself through the ground.
I want to jump about and sing and dance with the wind and clouds but worried it would distract the others who seem to be very introspective (or suicidal).
*
Day 7:
Another English summer day. Raining.
My meditations get more and more enjoyable and consistent and the discourses are very inspiring if challenging at times. I’m pleased I’m here and I wish more people had access not only to this very useful technique but also profound life wisdom. I like the concept of training the mind to become aware of more and more subtle layers of reality through the observation and detection of subtle sensations in the body. And I like the idea of learning from personal experience rather than faith or analysis.
Another dream, I’m trying to drain the sink only for the drains to come back up with all the dirt that has been flushed. Maybe trying to tell me I can’t get away with hiding things in life. Sooner or later it will spew it all back in my face?
*
Day 8:
I feel depressed. I miss home, Israel, my daughter holding my ear, massaging, being touched, and a good blockbuster in the cinema.
My eyes well up.
I resort to desperate measures and read the Great Western train timetable I find in my bag with a great sense of guilt and comfort.
We are told Vipassanna meditation practitioners die with a smile on their face, being able to witness and transform the experience rather than be afraid of it.
*
Day 9:
Nearly there. Excitement in the air.
We learn a new meditation technique, spreading love in the world. Beautiful.
I dream of clear water in a beautiful cave, perhaps symbol of my consciousness becoming purer and clear?
*
Day 10:
Nobel Silence is lifted. I don’t want to talk to anyone and go for a stroll. A bit of an anti climax and I’m feeling strange. After the evening’s meditation I recuperate my optimism and confidence. Talking to people I discover them in a totally different way. All my preconceptions evaporate and I get present to their beauty and complexity.
***
Throughout the experience I can’t help comparing it with the 3 day ‘full on’ life coaching course I took three years ago, the Landmark Forum. They both promise life changing transformation, both have rigid structure and rules, one is ten days of stillness, silence and isolation, while the other is an intense, no-nonsense conversation in a large group of people. They both deceive in style what they have in substance. Based on timeless wisdom and experiential education methods, and sharing utmost integrity, compassion and a profound commitment to what’s possible for human beings and humanity. Both valuable and insightful and in an interesting way complement each other. My life is enhanced equally by the stillness and peace of meditation, as by the fresh perspective and accountability of the coaching. While the realisations of the coaching lasted over time, both the challenge and accountability as well as the peacefulness of meditation demand regular practice in order to survive and sustain results.
***
May I leave this world a better place for our children. May I die smiling.